Caring for Yourself When You Care for Others
Nobody said growing older is easy! The statistics for aging Americans are startling. Baby Boomers will swell the age 65+ population in the USA from 13% to 20% by 2050. Today, more than 200 million Americans are caring for an elderly family member. With increasing life expectancy, almost all of us will provide care for an aging loved one, whether it be our spouse, a sibling, or our parents.
Caregiving can be an emotional tug of war, involving powerful and sometimes conflicting emotions including anxiety, fear, sadness, anger, resentment, guilt, shame, and loneliness, as well as love, compassion, respect, and tenderness. Even within the warmest relationship, there may be moments of irritation and frustration, and a sense that we can never “do enough.” After all, caregivers are only human. Feeling fatigued, stressed, and overwhelmed are frequent complaints. Adding to the stress is the fact that our current health care system is not easy to navigate: options can be confusing, and resources are sometimes difficult to find.
Studies have shown that taking care of a family member can have a significant impact on the caregiver’s physical and emotional health, relationships, and employment. Approximately 40-60% of family caregivers experience depression and are more prone to stress-related health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease, than non-caregivers.*
When the demands of caregiving start to feel overwhelming, we need to pause and figure out how to take care of ourselves. If we neglect our own needs, our health suffers and we can’t be effective caregivers. Current research confirms that supportive services for caregivers can effectively reduce the burden, strain, and depression associated with caregiving, and can delay the institutionalization of loved ones.**
Here are some ways to prevent “caregiver burn-out.”
- Acknowledge your own needs and make time to care for yourself. Try to take at least one or two hours each day to do something that gives you pleasure. Go for a walk or a swim, call a friend and get together for coffee, listen to relaxing music, garden, read a book. Activities like these allow your nervous system to rest and replenish.
- Ask for help. This is not a sign of weakness, but rather, of good health. None of us can do this job alone. Talk to siblings, other family members and friends. Ask if someone else will pick up a prescription, or accompany the elder to a medical appointment or out to lunch.
- Arrange for respite. Can family members living out of town occasionally come in for a weekend so the local family can either get away, or just participate in some of their chosen recreational activities, such as theater, dinner, hiking, biking, etc.? If others cannot help, or a longer respite is needed, look into local quality facilities, such as assisted living communities where the elder may stay for a week or two, receiving 24 hour care. Use the time off in ways that allow you to return refreshed and re-energized.
- Look for information and ask for advice. If your elder or spouse is going through changes in health or behavior that you don’t understand or that concern you, speak to the primary care physician.
- Seek the services of a Certified Geriatric Care Manager. This professional can conduct a full individualized assessment of your relative, help develop a care plan, and assist with ongoing care coordination. The goal of this kind of service is to support older individuals in their desire to continue living in their own homes or in other settings with maximum independence and dignity. A Care Manager can advocate for your elder and provide guidance, resources, and respite to family caregivers.
- Consider joining a caregivers’ support group. In a well facilitated group, you can talk about your complex feelings and learn from experienced caregivers who have faced similar challenges, can understand what you need emotionally, and can offer practical advice.
In spite of the challenges, caring for an older loved one can also be rewarding. It often gives us the opportunity to get to know each other in new or additional ways. Invite your relative to tell you and your children more of the family history and his or her life story. These are conversations that can bring beautiful memories to light and even create more memories.
As we honor our loved ones with our care, it is important to remember to nurture ourselves and attend to our own needs. By tapping into the many resources and kinds of support available to caregivers, we are taking care of ourselves as well as our elders, and we all benefit.